With a cluck cluck here.

Dear Son #1, #2, & #3,

Well, the dream has finally come alive. We have chickens and farm life is officially complete because I don’t want cows, pigs or horses. In May, six terrified chickens arrived in our coop and for weeks we were obsessively checking for eggs in anticipation. It wasn’t until June sometime that one day we eagerly opened the door to the coop to find one egg nestled in the straw.

Oh the immense excitement! Oh the celebration! Oh how delicious that egg was!

Slowly but surely more eggs were laid and the chickens became slightly less terrified to be a part of our family. Obviously we need to keep getting them more comfortable in order to
A. Not be charged with numerous counts of animal cruelty and,
B. Get more eggs.
So I’ve got 10 chicken rules that we need to follow—this is including Cooper because they have not appreciated a 100-lb furry mound jumping into the coop to say hi.

1. Do not go into the coop then proceed to scream at each other as you fight over the eggs and feathers.
2. Do not take said feathers into the house as they are more than likely covered in chicken poop.
3. Do not go into the coop barefooted as you will most definitely step in chicken poop which will somehow end up on the couch, in the beds or smeared on a rug.
4. Do not chase the chickens. This is mean, cruel, and they really don’t like it because it scares them. I understand this because you scare me on a good day.
5. Do not in any way intentionally (or unintentionally for that matter) scare the chickens. Because they won’t lay eggs.
6. Do not squeeze, play catch, go bowling with, or drop the eggs. Yes they are real eggs and yes they will break and splatter everywhere.
7. Do not try to pick up, snuggle, or play tug-of-war with the chickens. See #5.
8. Do not relocate the chickens to any other outbuilding, fort, shed, or play structure on the property. Once again, it scares them and it completely defeats the purpose of having free-range chickens that go back to the coop at night to lay eggs.
9. Do not put random objects in the coop, chickens will eat anything and I have no desire to have a chicken vet bill.
10. Do not keep changing the names of the chickens as I’m finding it very confusing. So from here on out they are officially:
    The Colonel
    Orange P
    Long Neck
    Mary Brown
    Alexander
    and Christina.

Thank you for your cooperation in this crucial chicken matter and stay tuned for any further updates.

Love Mommy,

XOX

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