Dear Son #1, #2, #3,
A few weeks ago, as I was attempting to reclaim my youth and join you for a jump on a trampoline, one of you asked me: “Should Mommies jump on trampolines?”
And it got me thinking.
Heck no. We shouldn’t.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to keep jumping with you because it’s worth the pain, embarrassment and random bodily functions as it’s so freaking fun. But let’s answer your question anyways…
- Due to the fact us Mommies carried you for what feels like 15 but apparently is only nine months, gave birth to you in a very unpleasant fashion, then continued to care for you until the end of time – things on our bodies aren’t always where they should be anymore. In fact, many of those things became bigger, droopier and relatively stretched. And while we try to embrace these changes and call ourselves beautiful and strong etc. It just ain’t that beautiful while bouncing on a trampoline.
- On the same theme of things not being as they once were, this also includes our inner body parts. While there was once a time where Mommies could hold in a fart and only pee once every few hours – not every half hour – that time is no more. Provided someone doesn’t scare us or a surprise sneeze happens, we are usually still able to contain these things. But not on a trampoline. Anything and everything goes on a trampoline. Literally. Bring on the adult diapers.
- For us Mommies, jumping on a trampoline for extended periods of time (and this I mean more than 8 minutes) can actually bring on severe hangover-type symptoms. Including, but not limited to: nausea, dizziness, headaches, and the potential for vomiting or just plain old pooping yourself. Why? Because we’re Mommies and shouldn’t be jumping on trampolines. We should be sitting on the deck drinking wine.
- We like to think that just because we’re Mommies, we’re all in peak physical shape. I mean seriously, we start off by giving birth which, no matter how you do it, is hard work. Then we lug those ridiculously awkward baby car seats around until we could basically bench press a full-grown man. Then we never sit down again for longer than 3 ½ minutes until our kids are gone to college. We should be in good physical shape! But alas, our bodies remind us the next day when we can hardly get out of bed because we jumped on the trampoline, that this is not the case.
- And maybe the most important reason of all is that the more time you spend jumping on the trampoline, the more likely you are to expend that special reserve energy you seem to have every night at 7pm, AKA: Bedtime.
And that, my darling boys, is hopefully enough to answer your questions that no, Mommies shouldn’t jump on trampolines. But we’re all still going to because not only is it seriously fun but is a good enough workout to justify that wine we’re going to need later on after bedtime.