Dear Son #1, #2, & #3,
Today is Mother’s Day, a holiday that originated in 1907 to honor mothers and mother figures and everything they do for us. While I have always been of the mind that this should be done throughout the year and not necessarily just on one day, I’ll take what I can get.
For me, Mother’s Day has become a time of reflection on motherhood in general and how much it has changed me in a mere six years. I always vowed I would never change when I had kids. I would be the same person with the same values, same priorities, same ideals and same body HAHA. I could never have been more wrong. Because in 2015, I had my first baby boy. Then I entered The Fog.
Many describe the first few years of being a mom to small children as a time of being in The Fog. And I couldn’t agree more. A fog of sleep deprivation, crying, potty training, tantrums, poop up to my eyeballs, mess (oh so much mess), and the feeling that no matter how hard I tried, I really did not know what I had accomplished at the end of the day. In The Fog, I collapsed into bed gearing up for another day where a big success would be making dinner, having a shower, or catching their vomit with my hands. Amongst The Fog though, came such clarity for me. So many little things that I thought had mattered before I had kids, didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t matter that I no longer got my allotted 9 hours of sleep a night, that I didn’t have time to do all my hobbies that had started to collect dust, that I put my career/creative dreams hold, that I always had a constant to-be-folded basket of laundry on the go, that I cooked the same meals every week instead of venturing out, and that my idea of a great “me” night was two glasses of wine, 3 episodes of Outlander and 5 baskets of laundry.
It didn’t matter, even though I always vowed it would. As I ventured (and still continue to venture) through The Fog, what mattered to me was tucking you into bed at night knowing I did my best to be the best mom I could be that day. I did my best navigating my way through another day of The Fog to read to you, bake with you, colour with you, and boot you all outside when I had had enough of you – Outdoor Learning Time!!! What mattered to me at the end of each day was that I did my best to teach you manners, kindness, assertiveness, honesty, and good work ethic. And most importantly what mattered to me was that I showed you each and every day that you were important and loved more than anything in the world.
While The Fog is not always a pleasant place to be, it’s smelly, dirty, disorientating, exhausting and emotional; it’s given me a new perspective. It’s given me clarity. And as I exit The Fog at some point in the near future, I confess that I will even miss parts of it (only the good parts mind you). But one thing that will never change is how much you and all of this matters to me. My three energetic, determined, loud, hilarious, rambunctious and sometimes-little-buttheads-sons; thank you for giving me clarity.
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