Hallmark Soul.

Dear Son #3,

I’m not a super Hallmark soul. I don’t cry with commercials, movies or books very often. It takes a lot to offend me, I am more than happy to tell it like it is and I resort to humor in most, if not all, situations. When I say “I’m fine” it usually means, I am just that. Today, I’m not fine. Not one bit. I am more than happy to admit that I can be vulnerable, I can be a Hallmark soul, and I can shamelessly bawl my eyes out as the school bus rolls away. Today I feel all of the emotions as I follow it down the road to the school. As I stand by the fence all creepy-like as I watch you get off the bus these emotions are all too hard to comprehend. Therefore, when I get home to a very quiet house, I’m just going to feel them instead. 

Happiness: I’m so happy that you are excited to finally be joining your brothers on the big yellow bus. That you will be challenged in different ways, learn so many new things, and meet lots of kids your own age. Who am I kidding? I am also pretty happy to have 9-4 as a free agent.   

Sadness: I’m sad to see you go. My last one. My baby boy. I can’t help it. It’s completely selfish I know, but I’m sad, I’ll miss my little partner-in-crime.   

Relief: I am relieved that I can now mop all by myself without you, my little helper, wanting to do the “spinny spin” for me. Relief also follows me as I embark on the declutter journey now that no one (AKA you and your little hoarder brothers) will be home to stop me.  

Grief: I am grieving as the baby, toddler, and preschooler stage is officially done for me. Don’t get me wrong I’m not grieving the diapers, the night wake ups, and the constant exhaustion that comes with this stage. But I’m grieving it all the same.  

Excitement: I’m excited to rediscover who I am other than Mom, Mommy, Mama, and Bro. I’m excited to learn as well. To learn more about our farm and the work that needs to be done there, about my craft of writing and where I can take it, about the art of cooking and baking and expanding my horizons there, and about graphic design, drawing, painting and art in general-what new can I create?  

Loneliness: I am feeling a little lonely. Can you believe that? All I have been craving for the last eight years is some time of peace, solitude and quiet. Now here I am. And it’s quiet. Too quiet. Dare I say a little lonely too. Just a little though.  

Nervousness: I am nervous about all the inevitable and how I won’t be there for you when they happen. When you won’t like school, when you feel sick on the bus, when you hurt yourself in the playground, when you’re scared, when you get in trouble, or when you get your feelings hurt.  

Scared: I am scared for my new role(s), for the last eight years my sole job has been to look after boys at home, now I am given this opportunity to pursue new ventures and actually — possibly? — get caught up on laundry. 

Joy: I am feeling joy, for you taking this big step into creating your own world and for me for the freedom I will have to do the things that have been difficult (or impossible!) to do with my little sidekick. 

I know in some way you are probably feeling all of these emotions too, but I hope it is mostly the last one, because I know you’re going to rock this new adventure. 

And at 4:04 I can’t wait to hear all about it.  

My tears should be dry by then. 

Love Mommy,

XOX

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