Dear Son #1, #2, & #3,
I’ve always had an inkling that raising boys would be gross. They say gross things, do gross things, and somehow always wind up gross by the end of the day. And I’m good with it. In fact, most of it doesn’t even faze me anymore as I turn away, shake my head slightly in mild disgust and carry on with my day.
Granted I’ve technically only been a Mom for almost 5 years so I’m really no expert but I’ve noticed a trend in the grossness that encompasses three main themes:
Penies, poop and boogers.
Let’s first talk about your “Penies” because Lord knows that’s all we talk about anyways.
1. For the 378th time, boys have “Penies” and girls have “Ginas”. Sorry I don’t know why I short form it, but somehow, it’s cuter. Or something. Therefore, you no longer need to ask friends, family, acquaintances, or random strangers what they are equipped with. It’s awkward.
2. Stop playing with them, stretching them, poking them, and “propeller-ing” them all the time. That’s why they’re sore and it’s embarrassing to keep taking you to the doctor about it.
3. We don’t need to know when it is “hard” or “big”. While I’m happy for you as I very much want grandchildren one day; there is no appropriate time to mention this to anyone at your current stage in life.
Next let’s discuss poop. Said every mom ever.
1. Why does the word “poop” hold such appeal for you that we have to have it included in every sentence, song, greeting and conversation? It would just be really nice to make it through a ballad of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” without hearing “POOP” thrown into it.
2. I like that you poop. Honestly there’s nothing happier than a Mom whose kids have regular, healthy bowel movements. It keeps us happy and at ease. But must you all do it at the same time and need immediate assistance? I’m sorry but while I am close to superhero material, I simply cannot change the baby, clean up a “poop-cident” in the hallway and wipe a butt at the same time. I suggest timing your poops at varying intervals or just stay where you are and maybe read a book to pass the time. And yes, don’t worry I will always look and admire at how big it is.
3. For the love of all that is holy, stop touching your poop. I know it’s amazing and we all want to show each other and smell it to see who’s smells the best…But my word. Stop touching your poop. Alexander: As soon as the diaper comes off, you don’t need to touch your butt. William: since we’ve started potty training and you have a “poop-cident”, the first place your hand wants to go to is your butt. You poop on the lawn, hand on the butt, poop in the hallway, hand on the butt, poop in the lake, hand on the butt. And it doesn’t come back looking [or smelling] the same, not to mention what you happen to touch before I can tackle you with a baby wipe.
Finally boogers. Oh glorious boogers.
1. They’re everywhere. I find boogers in places I shouldn’t find boogers. Especially ones that aren’t my own. On clothing (and not just your clothing), on walls (why??), on furniture (always the fabric parts) and my own hands. MY OWN HANDS! I shouldn’t have boogers that aren’t my own on my hands, it’s just not right.
2. Let’s talk quantity and the fact that one of my biggest regrets since having kids is not having shares in Kleenex. I’d be a millionaire and be able to hire someone just to chase you around the house to blow your nose. It would be awesome.
3. Boogers are what I like to refer to as “nose poop” yet that doesn’t seem to deter you from announcing that boogers are “delicious” and “your most favourite snack”. I can’t even.
Now that I’m finished writing this, I’m feeling a little nauseous so I’m going to end it here. Boys, you know that I love you more than life itself, but honestly, why are you so gross?
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