Dear Son #1, #2, & #3,
We’re back in the Red Zone again (yes, I do feel like I’m living in a Stephen King novel at the moment) which means we can go swimming again!! Yipee! I’m here, once again, to remind you of the rules. I know right? I’m such a hoot.
Now, as if there weren’t enough rules before when we used to go swimming, there’s even more now. When you’re older, Google “Covid-19 rules in Ontario” and you’ll see what I’m talking about.
So here we go, the 10 swimming rules of 2021 (subject to change at any given moment):
- Get all your poops and all your pees out at home because changerooms and bathrooms just got a whole lot more complicated. As if they weren’t before.
- You’ve got 45 minutes to swim. Period. No negotiation, stalling, or whining necessary. Or if you still feel the need to do that, talk to the lifeguard.
- You are sharing the entire pool with 9 other people (4 of those being me and your brothers). There is no need, in any stretch of the imagination, to go and swim right up to someone else. They don’t think you’re cute.
- No running. It actually amazes me how many times in my life that I’ve yelled this. And I’m not a lifeguard. It also amazes me how many times you’ve fallen, from slipping when running, and yet still run. NO. RUNNING.
- I love that you boys are jumping into the water off the edge. And if I didn’t have Alexander clinging to me like a baby Koala, I’d freaking join you. But please, for the love of all that is Holy, don’t try to jump on each other. I speak for the lifeguards and the staff at the ER too.
- When it’s time to get out (and you’re finished trying to negotiate five more minutes with the lifeguard), there is actually no need to strip down naked right on deck. I know things are different but it’s okay, we are actually allowed to use the changeroom after. And, no one wants to see that.
- Let’s talk changeroom for a minute. I can’t undress and dress you all at the same time. I’m not an octopus. Keep your towel on, and brace yourselves for a short wait. You can do it.
- As excited as we all are to get out of the changeroom and move on with whatever fun activity we’re headed to next (naps and potentially day drinking), Mommy needs to get dressed. Now, there’s positively no need – in any way shape or form – to yell “MOMMY YOU HAVE BIG BOOBIES!!” while I’m getting dressed. Because A. I don’t, they’re just a little lower than they used to be thanks to you, and B. No one, in that change room wants to or needs to know anything about my boobies.
- This rule piggy-backs onto the changeroom section. Under no circumstances – I don’t care if you hear that Batman himself is outside – are you to open that changeroom door. Because not only does no one want to hear about Mommy’s boobies, no one needs to see them either. No, not even Batman.
- HAVE FUN! Every time we go swimming is a special time because the pool could close again at any time. So have lots and lots of fun in the short time that we have there.
See? Not so bad in the end. I just want you boys to have fun, be safe, respect others around you and leave my boobies out of it.
Now let’s go for a dip!!
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